BLUE COUP D’ETAT

(The writing here has nothing to do with the pictures or does it? Thoughts from somewhere besides Kamakura, actually at least four years ago in Harlem before I even met Tomoko.)

Its a sad state of affairs when you don’t trust anybody, when you don’t believe anybody, when doubt clouds the way, when confusion tips the scales. These things are always around but they’re only dangerous when they gain weight and take the form of a filter through which you see the world and then it is a conscious effort to stop and look at the bright, to find the positive, to live a thiking life and concentrate on the hard thoughts, the thoughts that make dreams reality, the thoughts that make the world better instead of plunging it deeper and deeper into despair. Despair is easy, it takes no effort, you see it, you feel it, you succumb to it. Joy is difficult to succumb to, even when it is right in your face because you have to let go of so many things to embrace it whereas despair is all about holding on and sinking.
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I slip into a reality where the words happen, the thoughts take shape but I never move just sit there, mouth slightly agape, doing nothing, caught up on an interior dialogue that tries to fit the world into something understandable, hopefully something desireable, usually only really and truly in the solitude of my imagination.
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Objects, that’s it, that’s the problem–Objects, inanimate objects, seeing it all like pieces on a board that I can move around just like that, chess, check-mate. But someday I realize that the only piece on the board that I can really control is my piece, just mine despite all illusion and egotism. Or maybe I don’t realize and I’m full of false expectations.